I Have it Worse Than All of You

[Scarred4Life]

I started losing my hair at 20 (am 50 now). I had bad transplants done and scalp reductions done in my twenties.

The donor area has a large 1/2" wide scar (was 1 inch but had the extra skin painfully removed), but the real problem is the top of my head with the scars from the scalp reductions. Picture a 'T' with the top of the 'T' at the crown of my head and this top of the 'T' being about 4 inches long and 3/4 inch wide. Plus the hair on the top of my head continued to thin so it is not like I have hair except for the 'T' scars. It is all very thin along with the reduction scars, which makes the transplants in the front very obvious. I don't have enough donor hair to cover the scars or fill in the transplants.

I had the transplants and reductions done while married and my wife accepted it, but the marriage ended and we are now divorced.

I use Toppik and Couvre which gives me what appears to be a pretty full head of hair, and minoxidil to keep the little hair I have left for the Toppiks to cling to. When I started using Toppiks,at first I felt my self confidence come back, but after a couple months I just feel like a fake and phony. However, it gets me through my work day without feeling like a freak. (Prior to this I always had jobs where I could wear a cap).

I recently met a very attractive woman and went out on a date. She really seems into me and wants to go out again but I feel I am hiding this terrible secret. On one hand she deserves to know what I look like without my "fake" hair so she can decide if it is a deal breaker. On the other hand, I can't bear the thought of being rejected because I look like a freak.

Of course just bringing up my scars and hair loss, and the fact that I am hiding them with Toppiks, is going to scream "Insecure" and "no self confidence" big time, which is probably just going to make her lose any attraction she has for me.

Another problem is I have to use minoxidil daily to keep what hair I have, so every night I have to remove the Toppiks to put on the minoxidil at which time she would always see me at my worst.

Also, when I do go without putting on minoxidil, I wake up the next morning and the Toppiks and Courve has come off the reduction scars. The contrast between the rest of my hair with Toppiks and the white scars is even worse than having no Toppiks or Courve on at all, so I couldn't even sleep over and skip the minoxidil once in a while without her finding out about my secret.

So unlike anyone else who can "just shave it all off", I can't. For all the women who think "bald is sexy" or who don't mind thinning hair, I haven't seen any that say thinning hair with scars is sexy.

I told the woman I would call her back but don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel she might accept me with my scars but then I look in the mirror and think why the hell should she? She is so attractive that she could certainly get any other guy 99.9999999999% of which don't have scars on their thinning head.

The thought of being alone for the rest of my life sucks but I seriously wonder if it is better to wonder if someone would have accepted me than to take a chance and know for sure they wouldn't.

Thoughts?

 

[Beingbaldsucksass]

Your story is terrible and I don't know how to help you man, Only asking why the hell have you done scalp reduction, that's a terrible surgery.

I can tell from now, if a woman I met stopped talking to me immidiatly after I went sly (and I'm still nw3) then your woman will go berserk when finding out

 

[Admin]

Maybe tell her you had surgery. Play the sympathy card. She'll assume brain tumor. Later on when you guys are married and have no problem listening to eachother fart and go number 2 while the other showers in the same bathroom, you can tell her what type of surgery it was. And it wont matter.

 

[Exodus2011]

Maybe tell her you had surgery. Play the sympathy card. She'll assume brain tumor. Later on when you guys are married and have no problem listening to eachother fart and go number 2 while the other showers in the same bathroom, you can tell her what type of surgery it was. And it wont matter.

good plan from the man at the top

 

[form]

A good plan except there's a high probability that she'll ask what the surgery was for.

 

[Scarred4Life]

Your story is terrible and I don't know how to help you man, Only asking why the hell have you done scalp reduction, that's a terrible surgery.

It was 25 years ago. Thanks for the support.

- - - Updated - - -

A good plan except there's a high probability that she'll ask what the surgery was for.

Yeah, and what better way to start a relationship off on teh wrong foot than by lying.

 

[Beingbaldsucksass]

But why you did this surgery regardless of the fact it was 25 years ago?

 

[amsch]

Don't be so naive, "beingbaldsucksass".

Obviously there were no information sources to look for 25 years ago (especially no internet), so if a doctor promises a desperate balding guy a full head of hair, it's hard to say no (Especially when he shows you fake before & after pictures).

Isn't it obvious?..

 

[Heat06]

I understand the feeling of rejection if that girl finds out your "secret", but dude, you think you're going to hide that the rest of your life?? You plan on living inside your house the rest of your days? If you don't plan on being alone..make sure you find somebody that likes you for you because any girl you date will ultimately find out the damage done on your head. Will some women get freaked out? Possibly...but in my opinion, having them find out and dealing with their reaction beats being scared every time you lay an eye on a woman and being alone the rest of your life.. my 2 cents.

 

[Scarred4Life]

I understand the feeling of rejection if that girl finds out your "secret", but dude, you think you're going to hide that the rest of your life?? You plan on living inside your house the rest of your days? If you don't plan on being alone..make sure you find somebody that likes you for you because any girl you date will ultimately find out the damage done on your head. Will some women get freaked out? Possibly...but in my opinion, having them find out and dealing with their reaction beats being scared every time you lay an eye on a woman and being alone the rest of your life.. my 2 cents.

Thank you for your words of support. Sometimes I think I need to take a chance with this girl (when my hair looks good using concealers) because I will never know if I don't try. Then when I look at myself without the concealers I think "why would anyone accept that with so many other guys out there"?

Hiding in my house for the rest of my life has pretty much been the plan. I am 50 not 20 so it's not like I have a lot of time or my whole life ahead of me. I have been hiding it for 25 years so what is another few? Since it is quite possible that all women would reject me for it and I would be alone anyway, being rejected would just add insult to injury.

 

[CaptainForehead]

A good plan except there's a high probability that she'll ask what the surgery was for.

Good point. And tough break Scarred4Life.

I too have some scars on my head, developed a couple of years back from an auto immune disorder. It sucks

 

[uncomfortable man]

You remind me of dudemon. Whatever happened to him?

 

[CaptainForehead]

Havent seen Dudemon for a while, miss him.

Also, what happened to HPM and Seb?

 

[Scarred4Life]

Good point. And tough break Scarred4Life.

I too have some scars on my head, developed a couple of years back from an auto immune disorder. It sucks

Yeah it does suck. Scars that can be covered by a full head of hair are one thing, but scars and thinning hair are the worst.

I have decided to just forget about dating this woman. Go MIA. Just disappear. She is so attractive she could have any guy she wanted. What the hell would she want with me even with a full head of hair?

Sorry I started this thread and wasted everyone's time. What the hell was I ever thinking?

 

[form]

Scarred4Life,

Cheer up buddy. Here are some actual thoughts on the situation:



There's obviously a reason this woman wants to go on a second date with you -- she had fun the first time around! Don't doubt that, it's a fact. She enjoyed your company and conversation, and as we get older those things become way more important than looks. But, if you had a doubt about physical attraction, let me just say that she wouldn't have suggested a second date either if she wasn't digging your face or style.

It's sometimes hard to recognize these things when you're the one involved or you have insecurities. However, as a third party objectively looking at the situation, what I wrote above is honestly what I believe is going on.



Here are my thoughts about your worries:

Number one, go on a second date with her! There are absolutely no expectations at this point, so you don't have to tell her anything about your past surgeries. Just go out and have a good time and make sure the chemistry is there.

If things progress, then I'm sure there will be a point when you'll feel obligated to tell her about your hairloss. At that point just tell her in a matter-of-fact fashion. Listen, our bodies age and we have to take preventative measures if we want to maintain a certain level of appearance or functionality. You don't think she knows this? You don't think she wears makeup? I'm sure she has wrinkles that bother her to no end. But, you and I know that those things don't define her! It's the same for male pattern baldness. Women, especially those who are older, know this!! Also, Topikk is the equivalent of makeup for our hair. We want to look our best and feel good... there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.


-Form

 

[slipy]

Also, what happened to HPM and Seb?

i aspire to become a dark male pattern baldness poet sometime in the future

i will cite gourmetstylewellness.com and people like hpm and seb as main influence.

 

[HairGuru22]

LOL

i aspire to become a dark male pattern baldness poet sometime in the future

i will cite gourmetstylewellness.com and people like hpm and seb as main influence.

 

[Scarred4Life]

Scarred4Life,

Cheer up buddy. Here are some actual thoughts on the situation:

Thank you form for all you input and encouragement and for taking the time to give it.

On our first date we did spend a lot of time just starring into each other's eyes. She was also the one who asked for my number and the one to call and confirm our first date. When I went to see her where she works the other day, I was standing over her waiting for her to finish what she was doing and she looked up at me and gave me the biggest smile without saying a word. When I left she gave me a hug (and a male customer she had been assisting when I came in stopped what he was doing to look at us. Her back was toward him and my face was towards him so I saw him stop and stare at us. He looked like her was thinking "I wish I was getting some of that" and I was thinking "That's right, I'm the one she is hugging and not you" LOL.

Of course due to my insecurity, my mind wonders if she is just pretending to like me for some reason. Maybe she just wants free dinners and dates or she has too much baggage no guy would want. Maybe she isn't attracted to me so sees me as someone safe who she can use and then dump when she has had enough fun.

My original thoughts were why even go on a second date knowing that if we ever got close enough for me to tell her my secret, it would be a deal breaker, but with your encouragement I will give it a shot.

We may end up being incompatible or not work for some other reason, but if what you say is true, then at least I have a chance. Thanks again! It means al lot.

- - - Updated - - -

I went to see her today at her work place. Turns out we have different days off (I thought we had at least one the same). I said we could do lunch or I could take a day off on one of her off days. At first she agreed to lunch but then she said dinner would be better so I am going to put in to take a day off in the next week or two and we are going to dinner and a movie.

I don't want to try to read more into this than there is, but wondered if she preferred dinner to lunch because it would be more romantic, or if she just wants a fancier meal. LOL. We did discuss dressing up or casual and she said casual, so not totally sure is she sees this as a date or a friend thing. However, she was grabbing my arm and pressing it firmly against her boob as she was pulling me to go with her when she had to go get something.

I don't fall easily but I really like this woman and can see it going somewhere. Of course I am keeping my guard up until I see if she feels chemistry with me. When I got home I thought about my hair, but I felt really good about or interaction today and even like her so much that there would be a lot of flaws I could overlook and was thinking maybe she feels the same.

I'll keep you updated and a BIG THANKS to form because that is the only reason I went to see her today.

 

[Scarred4Life]

I'll keep you updated and a BIG THANKS to form because that is the only reason I went to see her today.

Update:

Well I texted this woman at her number to see if I had the correct one (she gave it to me previously but wasn't sure if she had given me the new or old one). She got the text and seemed happy to get it based on her reply. I told her to have a nice day and she replied for me to do the same.

I felt I was kind of abrupt so I texted her that it was nice seeing her the other day and told her I would put in for a day off to go (since our days off are different) and let her know. No reply. The next day I got approved for my day off so I texted her to let her know. No reply.

A week goes by. No reply.

So I stopped in where she works today to see her and she shook my hand. She has never shook my hand. From about the third time I talked to her she hugged me when I saw her. When I saw her the last time before today, she hugged me when I arrived and again when I left. Now all I get is a hand shake? So we are moving backwards now?

So I visit with her a little bit and then ask if we are still on for our date. She says "yes" and I am happy for a few moments but she just doesn't seem that interested. I told her it's ok if she doesn't want to go because she never replied to my text and she shook my hand. She says she never got my text and made no comment on the hand shake.

So she went to go do something and I left.

Something is wrong. Even though she said she would go out, something just doesn't feel right. When I left I didn't feel happy. I felt like I just got rejected. I actually expected her to say she didn't want to go out and I would have been fine with that. People have a change of heart and it's no one's fault. But the lack of replies to my texts and especially the hand shake makes it all seem very odd. I am guessing she doesn't want to go out but doesn't know how to tell me.

So, I decided I am not going to go out with her or pursue this. I will text her in a few days and tell her it doesn't feel right. I will wait a couple days to see if she texts me, but I know she won't. That will confirm my decision is right.

I am not emotionally invested in her yet and it seems maybe she is looking for a friend or just someone to take her out. I am not interested in either. At least I don't have to worry about telling her my secret.

I don't want to turn this into a dating forum but I said I would update you guys. I hate when people say that and you never hear from them again. You guys took the time to reply so I at least owe you an update.

Thanks again to "Form", as he has encouraged me to give it a try, and although this one didn't work out, maybe the next one will.

 

[HairPieceMan]

how tall you?

how tall she?