I cut back to alternating between 2.5% Nizoral and Nuetragena T-Gel and using 12.5% Xandrox cream on the hairline. The cream always caused some redness for the first 5 mins or so after application, but never the itchiness I felt on the rest of my scalp. And it lacks the Propylene Glycol of the liquid formulation. After about a week of this the itching was down considerably. Another week and it felt fine. I started applyng the non-PG minoxidil and the itching didn't reccur.
During this time I also cut my hair pretty close (#1 clipper guide) because I seemed to have less pain sensations (not the same as the itching discussed above) when my hair was short. So I tried really short. I didn't like the look, but then it didn't really look any worse than it did longer. And since my hair feels so f*cked up these days the less there is of it, the less I have to feel that. Besides, I don't leave the house anymore without a hat.
Hmm you might be thinking "How does he manage to always wear a hat?" Well when you take medical leave from work because of extreme (largely hair related) depression, you don't have to worry about going to the office hatless. I really don't see anyone anymore except for store clerks. And they could care less if I'm wearing a hat while I shop.
When it was longer, I could tell that my hair was thinning a bit more on top. Well when it was cut short I saw just how much I had lost. Its obvious now that Propecia/minoxidil wasn't working at the temples or anywhere else. I thought this sh*t ALWAYS grew hair at the vertex! I've grown none anywhere. Things have only gotten worse since this started, which is coming up on three years ago. All that's left are painful, irritated, sharp, wirey hairs that point in all directions. I thought I looked terrible when this started. Looking back now I realize how much better it was then.
This has completely ruined my life. I've always had a low opinion of the way I looked, but before this hair problem that had REALLY started to change. I had gotten a bit older, looked a bit different and was in better shape. I know I have a problem with my self image, and that wasn't gone even then. But it was a much much smaller problem than it is now. So for the first time I'm actually feeling good about the way I look. Then my head starts hurting...and I start shedding. Skip forward past all the questions and doctors and tests and the only conclusion anyone has reached is that its a very rapid, painful case of male pattern baldness. Which I have now come to realize has never responded to any treatment! Not even a few new hairs!
And I look horrible. Besides the hairloss, my face just doesn't look right, I've had dark bags under my eyes since this started and I'm hot and sweeting all the time. And all the doctors say there is nothing wrong with me. Except the depression. I'm been on many many different medications and dosages and I will say that they definately do make a difference. But they don't make me look any better and there is no drug that can make me accept being ugly. But the doctors try anyway, convinced that at some point they'll hit a magic combo that makes me not care. In the meantime I sit at home with my hair, body, and mind rotting away. Lack of motivation, concentration and interest are all symptoms of depression. Being active and keeping busy is a problem for anyone dealing with this disease. Sometimes I do have good days or even weeks when I accomplish small projects. If I'm feeling very good and I really need to, I will go out. Possibly shopping or running errands that I normally would avoid. But not for entertainment. I have no friends anymore to go with anyway. But leaving here is what always takes me back to the lowest point. Seeing guys and girls my age that are good-looking and happy tears me up like nothing ever has before. I can't believe I live through the feelings of sadness, envy, anger but still attraction that I feel at those times. Thinking about how awful and ugly and lonely I have felt for the past three years. What a waste that time has been. But if I had my hair back today, and otherwise got rid of this physical blah feeling, I wouldn't worry about the past. I know I have many issues and problems beyond hairloss. But I wouldn't just replace this problem with another as some have suggested to me. I would just be so unbelievably happy to be back to what I am supposed to be. So happy that I am now ready to deal with things I have shyed away from my whole life and am comfident enough with my physical self to do so.
But I've seen nothing to indicate things will ever go that way. People say I have a body image problem. And I will agree with that - I do have a problem thought I think its not a major one. I may obsess over little details more than some people, but its never be intense or long lasting enough to cause a problem like this before. Something like "body image issues" could have described general self esteem problems I've had in the past. But now its being used to turn "doesn't want to be ugly" into a problem in my part. No one seems to understand why, at 26, I'd like to feel at least a bit attractive. Well...some do, and they just say I look "not so bad" or "ok" to try to reassure me.
I am scheduled to see one or more psychiatrists at University of Pennsylvania next week. This group deals with body image disorders which means they talk to alot of girls who puke. I don't see how I can be convinced to accept myself the way I am. I don't want to be like this. And if I don't like my own body and can't change it what incentive is there for me to do anything else? Why should I care about work or money? Other people don't matter - how can you care about someone else when you hate yourself? And everyone says find other things about yourself that make you feel good. That's bullshit. Its not that I care only about my appearance. I have other good qualities and they are part of what makes me happy. But I could be the most [insert admirable quality here] person in the world and I would still feel this way. Others may overlook my flaws because of that but I would still feel ugly. Maybe I wouldn't be as sad as I am now, but I would still feel that way.
I've thought of suicide many times in my life. Just as causal thoughts sometimes, as an option other times. Now it is a very serious consideration. I don't want to die. I want my life to go back to the way it was during that one seemingly happy period I had. I'm afraid of what might happen when I die, and I'm afraid I'll screw up and won't die. But I can't keep going on like this. There's no point. I feel like I'm dieing now anyway. "I" do not want to live like this, feeling so low, unattractive, and worthless. The only way this body could go on living would be if there was some major change that removed my current personality. Then "I" in terms of the person typing this would be dead. My former body would continue as someone else, perhaps similar to "me", perhaps not.
So I will go see these new doctors next week. And I will explain my whole story about my hair. Which is now basicly pointless since it seems nothing at all can be done. And I will talk about past and present feeling about my appearence and how they've affected me. Then I will say that I have seen no progress made in terms of my hair or my mental health. Particularly because no one will focus on the fact that my hair is what is detracting from my appearance and therefore is the most immediate problem. Some have even said my depression and anxiety are due to totally unrelated (and untrue) problems and that I'm using my hair problem as a cover. In light of the fact that my body and mind continue to detriorate with only years of the same in the forseeable future, I want to commit suicide. I have told this to plenty of doctors before and it gets and immediate response, but when you don't slit your wrists in the office they calm down and things are all well again. I will have to set a date and possibly get things in order - though I will most likely not have any interest in that. My family is just going to have to accept it. They seem to have accepted the way I am now and take no active role in helping me . Soon I won't leave the house at all, then I'll be locked up in the basement alone. They seem to adjust to my misery just fine, but only object to my only option to remove it.
So that's that. I don't know if this will be read, removed, or ignored. I really don't care. That shouldn't be too surprising. I wrote something like this a few days ago. This one i much more coherent - which only indicates how bad the other is. This sort of thing is my response to every problem. And it rarely helps. I've always had this feeling that if I discuss my problems with someone, even if they are in no way involved, that things will somehow improve. I would even go as far as to admit embarrassing or dishonest things that I would never reveal if they weren't "necessary to fixing the problem" as I saw it. Most people must never have any problems similar to mine, because they never have much to say let along any advice to give. Usually I've just made things worse by discussing personal matters with someone. I don't do this with random people (except now), only with friends. Apparently my "friends" are uncomfortable being too personal with me.
If this is still here and actually gets read, please feel free to comment. I'm just interested in what might be said. I don't expect any advice, I haven't gotten any from professionals. Normally I would never read a posting like this, and might even get annoyed taht it interrupted my search for whatever info I was seeking. But some do read them. I really don't know why. I'm sure most comments would be negative. That seems to always be the case. I completely fail to understand why insulting someone who is planning to committ suicide is see as helpful. I don't care if you call this cowardly or spineless. I'm far to upset about other things for little jabs to hurt me. And of course its selfish. Why is that bad? Its about me and my feelings and my desire to be happy.
And don't tell me bueaty's on the inside. Not all of it is. The fraction that is doesn't appear immediately anyway. All I want is to be attractive, to have other people think I am attractive and to feel worthy of the people I find attractive. I didn't say perfect, just not like I am now. I screwed up alot of my younger years. Badly. Very badly. But I didn't think it was too late to recover that lost time, I didn't feel old. I felt ready. And now I feel like a fool. A worthless, sad and tired fool.
TB
